Many times, parents complain of their children being absentminded and worry they may have ADHD or another disorder.  After listening to the story and what is going on several things become clear.  The child is being dictated to and given no choice in what they are to do.  It’s no wonder the child then resists what they are being “told” to do, we all would.

When we are dictated to, we are made to feel powerless and “lower” than the person giving the orders.  This builds resentment inside us, and that resentment is shown by us refusing to do what we are told to do.  The problem is not the child forgets to do what they are told to do.  The problem is the child resents how they are being treated, thus there is no motivation to do what is being asked.  Get rid of the resentment and the behavior will dissipate.

So how do you do that?  You have a conversation with the child where their input is asked for and they are given some responsibility.  If they have some skin in the game and they feel they are listened to they will more likely do what they are being asked to do.  This is how we all act, not just children.  If we have a say and some power, we are more amenable to do what others want.

When we are told, “I need you to do X, Y, and Z.” we feel dictated to and relationally lower then the other person, we are no longer equals and that angers us.  In essence, it’s a put down.  Putting down someone is not an effective way to get them to do what you would like.  Let’s be real, honey works way better than vinegar.

“We need to get X, Y, and Z done.  How do you want to go about doing that?” gives the other person the opportunity to be involved in the decision making process, they feel heard, and feel relationally equal to the other person.  All things that will make it easier for them to want to do what you are asking.  That’s the key, we want them to do what we are asking/telling them to do.  If I have no motivation to do what you are asking, I probably won’t do it.  It’s not that I forgot, it’s I have very little interest in doing it since it seems I will get nothing out of it myself.

Giving someone/your child motivation and a reason to do what you are asking may seem time consuming and generate a “why should I have to do that?” attitude, but that  is exactly my point.  Right now you are feeling what the other person is feeling when we dictate to them.  “You need to do X, Y, Z” automatically generates a “Why should I?” thought in their head.  Giving motivation and empowerment will make it easier to get those things done.

It may take some additional time in the beginning of the conversation to generate buy-in and motivation but it reduces the resentment that drives the “absentminded behavior” in your child, which should be the goal.  The motivation for you handling the situation this way is this style gets done what you would like done quicker with less fighting.  Which is the goal, right?

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